If I Had Balls They'd Be Bigger Than Yours

            I’m going to start this one off with the Sandbox Theory. Remember back in elementary school when you had your cute little crushes and tormented them by being mean because at age 6 you obviously had no idea how to flirt? By 21 you should have outgrown that shit. Light teasing, when used correctly, is good. But being a complete raging nutfuck is unacceptable and will wind up with you jerking off to porn re-runs at home before the night is even over.

            I swear I’m not making these up, I was at another friend’s 21^st birthday party. Trust me, I’ll be glad when they stop. My liver can’t take many more of these chug fests. Anywho, I was helping a friend tend her makeshift bar complete with pricing sign and tip cup. We got the usual gripers: “Do I really have to pay the full $5 if I only have one beer?”, the neutrals, and the generous tippers/chatty customers. One guy in particular thought it would be funny to pour water into our tip cup.

……thanks, asshole. Now we have to lay all the coins and bills out on paper towels to dry and hope no one pilfers them when we turn our backs to mix drinks. Add that to him trying to wedge his way behind the bar table EVERY 10 MINUTES. No, you can’t come back here. There’s barely enough room back here for me to grab someone a beer from the mini fridge on the floor without flashing the top of my Victoria’s Secret panties.

            He drunkenly attacked the opening between the fridge and bar table. We countered with very tall, very muscular male friends blocking the weak spot. He tried to steal money from our tip cup. We matched with “accidently” spilling mixed drinks on him when handing them to other customers. The icing on the cake, literally, was him trying to drop a spoonful of my friend’s birthday cake into the tip cup. Really? REALLY? Given the sound that resulted from me striking down on his wrist as hard as possible I could only hope I cracked something.

            Fortunately for him one of Calli’s roommates dragged his dumb ass off before I could grab the plywood we used as the bar table in an attempt to crack it over his head. Alcohol is no excuse for behavior like this. He thought he was being cute and flirty but not only did he disgust the very girls he was trying to impress, he also lost all respect with the guys who witnessed his shenanigans.

            Know your limit for christsake. It’s not the end of the world if you’re acting as the nice guy and strike out with girls one night. But you’re treading thin ice when you start invoking the ire of the other guys.